Broken?

24.10.15

Hai assalamualaikum! I haven't been around here since forever *hides myself* *emoji mata* since I'm too 'busy' being a first-degree student.

Nah, just kidding. I'm not busy. My schedule is not packed at all (and awfully messed up), my classes are only for 2-4 hours a day, so yeah. And I don't have that much of assignments (actually I do, but since procrastination is somewhat everyone's best pursuit, so..k). A 4000-5000-word essay for History of English, a 15-page assignment on Bahasa Melayu Komunikasi, other HEL presentations and Linguistics and Languages stuff.

around the world, Big Ben, and world image

Yup. Bluffing would get me nowhere.

Since I have so much time due to UniSZA cancelling classes for three days (convocation stuff-related), which, sadly, those classes would have replacements and that's why I said my schedule is so messed up -_- I spend days and nights watching Once Upon A Time (season 1 to season 4, and yay I'm currently on the last episode of Season 4) and then before that I killed time reading The Maze Runner series and the day before yesterday I didn't switched on the laptop for OUAT but I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY READING MAGNUS CHASE AND THE SWORD OF SUMMER!

I would've talked about Hook and Emma (OUAT main two characters and erm their ship name is Captain Swan since Hook is Captain Hook and Emma is Emma Swan wth am I blabbering about) being together and how Emma now is the Dark One (okay sorry for spilling this out it's not my fault everyone on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook is posting about how Emma is now the Dark One), but I understand quite well that doesn't concern any of you BUT CAN I STILL RAMBLE ABOUT THEM IT'S FUN AND HEARTBREAKING

once upon a time, emma swan, and captain swan image
Has anyone noticed that Jen M's hair is glorious? *sighs*

Oh yeah I also finished reading The Fate of Ten, the latest I Am Number Four sequel. I thought that was the last book??? BUT NO?? Still has a couple of books? Sometimes I hate authors, I really do. They go on killing our favourite characters and then making cliffhangers and whatsoever not!

I'm actually not feeling well. I mean, mentally. Physically I'm fine. I am just lost inside, and it's kinda stupid. I don't know what to do, I feel like giving up? It's absurd, but still, some people do feel that sometimes. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, and I think I'm so messed up right now. I let myself calm down by coloring, doodling, drawing, making mind maps (it's just me being messy), and I feel like I should just study, hold on to my pens and colored Sharpies, read books (history and stuff) and I'm just like, really lost here.

Hopefully this'll get better soon. In my head I've been thinking a lot of craps and junks, it's just so confusing to continue being normal as it is.

Let me break it to you: I don't feel like I have any REAL friends here. I am completely on my own, lost in my own world. I'm usually seen walking alone, and in group discussions (with the members that our lecturers have chosen), I AM HORRIBLY QUIET. You see, they HAD to ask as to why am I so silent. It's not my fault. Well, practically, yes. But I'm not used to being around English students, I don't know, the environment is just so different???

broken, neal cassidy, and once upon a time image

Despite what I said in my previous post, I don't even know if I can even hold on for much longer. Deep down inside, I'm pretty sure I can go through with this, for, well, another 4 years. But RIGHT NOW, I don't feel like I could make it. It's far ahead and uh, I'm afraid I'd break apart right in the middle. I hope not.

I just hope that I won't disappoint my parents again. I've disappointed them enough over the years.

Thanks for reading. :)

Pain makes you stronger, they said?

20.10.15

It still pains me (a little) when someone asks, "Eh why you take English ah, why you not in Medic?"

Uh and usually those who ask this are of my family members (like aunts and uncles and cousins of sort), bcs they have known me since forever. Fifiey, the girl who dreamed of becoming a doctor.

What can I say, things change, as well as people do. I didn't want to leave my Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Maths behind but I guess the right path for me is to do so. This is the way for me.

Taking English for my degree wasn't on my bucket list. But I've loved English since...I don't know, forever? Lol. I don't mind it at all, because English IS the one thing I'm passionate about.

It's just that, when people ask me, "Why are you not taking Science?" it literally KILLS me inside, bit by bit. That question reminds me of my past, the one I want to leave behind. Reminds me of the shattered hopes and dreams, you know, those kind of hopelessness and heartbreak?

I've been trying so hard to move on, but it's going to take some time. I've accepted this, my path, but it's like taking a big leap from Science to English. It's huge, even for me.

I told my friend that I feel like I've given up with life, I'll just let life carry me on, not the other way round. I don't care anymore, I'll just... endure it.

The thing is, I know, for me, giving up is not an option, not now, not ever. I don't give up that easily, no one does. So... I guess I have to keep fighting, hm?

I've been meaning to post this on Facebook but there are people there. Hahahahahahahhah which means there are none here lol

Okbye

Achilles, The Bees - Carol Ann Duffy

8.10.15

Myth's river — where his mother dipped him,

fished him, a slippery golden boy —

flowed on, his name on its lips.

Without him, it was prophesied,

they would not take Troy.

Women hid him, concealed him in girls' sarongs;

days of sweetmeats, spices, silver song . . .

but when Odysseus came,

with an athlete's build, a sword and a shield,

he followed him to the battlefield,

the crowds' roar,

and it was sport, not war,

but charmed foot on the ball . . .



but then his heel, his heel, his heel . . .