Positive vibes

Assalamualaikum. Dah masuk 1 Mei dah. Selamat Hari Buruh, bruh! Hehehe

Recently I had Alya coming to my house, so that we could lepak together. The car that I usually use got some aircond problems, so my dad hantar kedai lah untuk check. Aku pun malas nak keluar, jadi ajaklah Alya datang rumah (wow) (miracle nya) (alya datang rumah) (alya keluar wow).

She brought crab stick popiah cheese (homemade) and we ate while watching Khurafat. And then we watched Munafik and Putih, the Malay animation cartoon when we were kids.

After Asar, we played a board game called Master Malaysia. This game was famous during our secondary school. It's a game mainly on Malaysian facts. If you're a real pro of Malaysian history, geography and EVERYTHING, you should play this game.

This game has dice and a board to play on. We can choose our own avatar (or what do you call them, the colourful things differentiating each player?) and then we roll the dice, and move our avatar. The board is square and each side has different colours. The first one is green, then red, yellow and then blue.

If you reach the green zone, you have to draw a green card and answer the question (other players have to do this for you since the answer to the question is also on the card).

So green cards ask about LAND (geography), red cards ask about PEOPLE (people we should've known in Malaysia, I don't know most of them lol), yellow is for HERITAGE and blue is CULTURE. There's also some spots that you can choose either the previous colours or purple. Purple is for GENERAL questions. General questions are the easiest I think.

I enjoy this game even though I don't know most of the answers to the questions LOL and there are score sheets provided but Alya and I played using our own rules. We made up our own rules. Oh, there's also ELEMENTARY cards, where you only have to answer TRUE or FALSE. You play until you win lah kot hahahahahahah

After Maghrib, I went for dinner with Alya. Then I had to send her home. :(

I drove home then. And I went to bed. I couldn't sleep, though. There were sad thoughts screaming all over. It usually happened after spending a whole day with Alya or Piah or Kakti or Piqah or Ainul. A day with them is just so... carefree and the only day I can be myself. I'm happier with them.

Thing is when those thoughts took over, my mind went over to Universiti Malaya, UniSZA and all the things that are happening right now. The "what ifs" were all over me. Kenapa aku tak dapat UM? Kenapa UM tak nak aku?

It's not basically that. I mean, why am I in UniSZA right now? It's too far. Alya, Piah, Piqah, Kakti they're all in Selangor or KL. If I were in KL, I could travel all the way to them, to meet them to spend time with them. Ainul pulak, lagi lah. Jauh di Kedah.

And it's not really helping with things happening in UniSZA. Life seems so bleak right now. No matter how hard I try blending in, it just doesn't work out. I still feel like I'm an outsider. Aku sorang je kot budak dari PASUM. Nampak sangat buangan huhuhu I'm the real definition of trash. All other students have their own gangs from previous foundation or diploma or whatever. Besides, they are all from English background (TESL foundation and diploma and whatnot) so it's hard to mingle.

That night when I was trying to go to sleep, I cried really bad. I didn't know what to do and I felt so helpless and so lonely. No matter how hard I try... there's no one like Piah... or Alya... or Kakti... or Ainul... or Piqah. Or even Wahidah or Amal or Syisyi or Suzie. None. Nil.

Honestly I felt really helpless. I didn't know what to do anymore. I felt like giving up, I didn't want to be in UniSZA anymore. I wanted to go somewhere else, anywhere but not UniSZA.

Every day, I told myself, "I like UniSZA, this is UniSZA, my pride." I WANT TO LOVE UNISZA, but I can't bring myself to it. I don't feel like staying. Yes, yes, I know, the best part is that I got to stay at home, I got to save money on hostel and food and all, but no one's me.

Don't make me mention the relatives who, whenever they see me, will say, "Kenapa dari UM masuk UniSZA?", "Tak boleh berenggang dengan Ummi Walid ke?" with eyes judging me. You don't know how bad I already feel on not getting into UM, but people still keep rubbing salt into my wounds. Whenever I see photos of my friends in UM together, I die a little inside. It's crazy.

I cried my eyes out. It didn't feel good at all.

But then, a friend of mine, my classmate, messaged me on WhatsApp. She read my tweet.

We chatted a lot that night. She said she felt the same, she felt like she didn't belong. And suddenly we admitted that everything that we ever did was all an act. Aku selalu berlakon tough like I don't care that I'm alone. But actually it's just an act of trying to make myself feel better. Entahlah, sometimes being OK with whatever shit you're dealing with, is the only thing pushing you forward.

We're quite close la since we got to be in the same group at the start of the semester. I also got other close friends but, you know, it still feels like I don't belong???

In the end, we both said to each other to be strong. Yelah, ada 3 years more. We can do this!!! It's not easy, but... well, we have no choice anyway. We keep going on jelah, if that's the last thing we do. Life may be hard, but giving up is never an option. Got many hearts to take care of and a future to secure :)

I'm always a positive person.

I always say to myself, "You can do this, Fi! You can ENDURE this!"


How many times do I have to make myself feel better (even when things are not great), until I finally break?

P/S: Doakan aku and kengkawan final exam next week. 10th May until 17th May. We can do this!