"Who am I, Hedwig? What am I?"
Lately I've been wondering a lot.
I've been rereading my old blog posts, since I have nothing better to do and I love dwelling in self-pity. Of course I didn't go as far as 2009 or 2010 or 2011 (those were the embarrassing years where I can't make myself to even click the links to the posts and watch what I wrote back then).
I went back, specifically, to the years after SPM. To all the entries I made when I was in PASUM.
HECK I WAS SO HOMESICK BACK THEN
and now I HAVE THE AUDACITY TO FEEL A SLIGHT LONGING TO GO BACK TO THOSE DAYS
But, yeah when I read all those posts, it made me feel sorry about myself (see? I'm a pro at self-pitying). Before PASUM, I had never been away from my family -- my parents to be exact. My dad made sure that I am always well taken care of. He sent me to school, picked me up, sent me to go out with my friends, everything.
In other words, I was spoiled a lot by my dad. My mom spoiled me with food because she likes to cook a lot and all of her dishes are ugh, delicious, so I can't help myself OK???
So, entering PASUM, being so far away from them, it made me REALLY REALLY REALLY homesick. Pretty sure everyone else has felt this way. But, I think what made me really homesick was the lack of acquaintances. All my close friends weren't in PASUM and I HAD TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS and God knows how much I suck at making friends :(
Another side feeling was I missed my mom and dad like really really really much. They're not young anymore and I wanted to be able to see their faces every day.
When my sisters came to visit me in PASUM, they spoiled me rotten HAHAHAHAHAHAH because they know their youngest sister ni very the manja one, away from Ummi Walid but outside acting tough like it's nothing hsfhsfhshfshfshfhs
And looking back at my posts when I was in PASUM, I am utterly grateful now that I'm studying in UniSZA, Terengganu. I'm not staying inside campus but I drive to UniSZA and go back when classes are over. Although it takes around 30 minutes from my parents' house to UniSZA, I'd take the 60 minutes (30 minutes go and 30 minutes back gais come on do your maths) anytime than being 400km away from my parents.
I actually stayed at the hostel during my first year and it wasn't a good deal for me. Early on I was like, "No I don't want to bring the car to hostel, first years not allowed bla bla bla," and by the end of the first semester I stopped caring about it and brought the car anyway :P After two weeks of staying at the hostel in second semester, I decided to move out from college and walahhhh since then I've stayed at home.
I've been studying in UniSZA for two years already and I'm already in my third year.
And in those two years...
I don't know, at times I felt like I'm not very lucky because I couldn't go far? I'm studying in Terengganu, close to home?
At times I also questioned everything: WHY? Why don't I get to be in UM anymore? And why I'm not accepted into science courses and so on, those thoughts la.
But I didn't have the answers, and looking back at those moments, I think I sound like a very very ungrateful person. Very whiny.
I mean, what more could I ask, right? I have EVERYTHING here. I don't have to go into the trouble of choosing housemates, cari rumah sewa, or collect merits so that I could stay in college and whatnot, I have a car to drive here and there, and Terengganu got no bad traffic jam, and my course is actually really relaxed and fun. Most importantly, I have my family close to me.
So ungrateful.
Then I look back at those posts I did when I was in PASUM. It was aching to even read those? Because I went through that hell. You know la people when they get depressed or extremely stressed out or sad they become poetic. It was like that for me when I was in PASUM. I made poems I didn't know I had it in me?????
So, I realised then, that I have some of the answers. I was NOT happy in PASUM. I enjoyed PASUM, yes, but Allah knows that I couldn't go through that again. So, He sent me to UniSZA. Close to home. And I wish I had been more grateful.
Allah really gives us what we need instead of what we want. And He KNOWS.
Take it from my life journey, I wanted to become a doctor and look where I am now? I'm taking Language and Communication! I thought I had everything sorted out, but no. Allah's plans are of me in a different path.
I'm happier in Terengganu. Because being so close to family PROVIDES warmth and it just clears your mind off things when you go home to see your parents, siblings and lil baby nephews and nieces. Even when I had a bad day at UniSZA, when I come home later that evening, I'd feel more calm and relaxed.
I'm now very grateful for everything that I have right now. Alhamdulillah.
Most of the time I feel lonely because I don't have a geng sekepala in UniSZA, unlike with my girls: Piah, Piqah, Ainul, Alya and Kakti. There'd be times that I'd miss them really badly but suddenly it's semester break or mid sem break already and I can finally see them! As the saying goes, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," it certainly is with them. It totes gonna be a bit dull if I get to see them every single day in my life, but when we're apart we're actually getting closer because of the distance (wow)
So guys, remember to be grateful in everything we achieve, we have today. It may not be the outcome that we dreamed of, but we should be thankful anyway because we've arrived this far in our life.
Also, everything that we have right now is actually of our own choices; be it small or big. We won't be here today if we didn't make a certain decision back then. Decisions, actions -- everything leads to NOW.
And I'll never stop emphasising this enough: ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL and BE PROUD OF OURSELVES. We've made it this far and let's strive to make it better (and stop dwelling on the past).
I've been rereading my old blog posts, since I have nothing better to do and I love dwelling in self-pity. Of course I didn't go as far as 2009 or 2010 or 2011 (those were the embarrassing years where I can't make myself to even click the links to the posts and watch what I wrote back then).
I went back, specifically, to the years after SPM. To all the entries I made when I was in PASUM.
HECK I WAS SO HOMESICK BACK THEN
and now I HAVE THE AUDACITY TO FEEL A SLIGHT LONGING TO GO BACK TO THOSE DAYS
But, yeah when I read all those posts, it made me feel sorry about myself (see? I'm a pro at self-pitying). Before PASUM, I had never been away from my family -- my parents to be exact. My dad made sure that I am always well taken care of. He sent me to school, picked me up, sent me to go out with my friends, everything.
In other words, I was spoiled a lot by my dad. My mom spoiled me with food because she likes to cook a lot and all of her dishes are ugh, delicious, so I can't help myself OK???
So, entering PASUM, being so far away from them, it made me REALLY REALLY REALLY homesick. Pretty sure everyone else has felt this way. But, I think what made me really homesick was the lack of acquaintances. All my close friends weren't in PASUM and I HAD TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS and God knows how much I suck at making friends :(
Another side feeling was I missed my mom and dad like really really really much. They're not young anymore and I wanted to be able to see their faces every day.
When my sisters came to visit me in PASUM, they spoiled me rotten HAHAHAHAHAHAH because they know their youngest sister ni very the manja one, away from Ummi Walid but outside acting tough like it's nothing hsfhsfhshfshfshfhs
 |
| The bekal Ummi made for me when I stayed at the hostel |
And looking back at my posts when I was in PASUM, I am utterly grateful now that I'm studying in UniSZA, Terengganu. I'm not staying inside campus but I drive to UniSZA and go back when classes are over. Although it takes around 30 minutes from my parents' house to UniSZA, I'd take the 60 minutes (30 minutes go and 30 minutes back gais come on do your maths) anytime than being 400km away from my parents.
I actually stayed at the hostel during my first year and it wasn't a good deal for me. Early on I was like, "No I don't want to bring the car to hostel, first years not allowed bla bla bla," and by the end of the first semester I stopped caring about it and brought the car anyway :P After two weeks of staying at the hostel in second semester, I decided to move out from college and walahhhh since then I've stayed at home.
I've been studying in UniSZA for two years already and I'm already in my third year.
And in those two years...
I don't know, at times I felt like I'm not very lucky because I couldn't go far? I'm studying in Terengganu, close to home?
At times I also questioned everything: WHY? Why don't I get to be in UM anymore? And why I'm not accepted into science courses and so on, those thoughts la.
But I didn't have the answers, and looking back at those moments, I think I sound like a very very ungrateful person. Very whiny.
I mean, what more could I ask, right? I have EVERYTHING here. I don't have to go into the trouble of choosing housemates, cari rumah sewa, or collect merits so that I could stay in college and whatnot, I have a car to drive here and there, and Terengganu got no bad traffic jam, and my course is actually really relaxed and fun. Most importantly, I have my family close to me.
So ungrateful.
Then I look back at those posts I did when I was in PASUM. It was aching to even read those? Because I went through that hell. You know la people when they get depressed or extremely stressed out or sad they become poetic. It was like that for me when I was in PASUM. I made poems I didn't know I had it in me?????
So, I realised then, that I have some of the answers. I was NOT happy in PASUM. I enjoyed PASUM, yes, but Allah knows that I couldn't go through that again. So, He sent me to UniSZA. Close to home. And I wish I had been more grateful.
Allah really gives us what we need instead of what we want. And He KNOWS.
Take it from my life journey, I wanted to become a doctor and look where I am now? I'm taking Language and Communication! I thought I had everything sorted out, but no. Allah's plans are of me in a different path.
I'm happier in Terengganu. Because being so close to family PROVIDES warmth and it just clears your mind off things when you go home to see your parents, siblings and lil baby nephews and nieces. Even when I had a bad day at UniSZA, when I come home later that evening, I'd feel more calm and relaxed.
I'm now very grateful for everything that I have right now. Alhamdulillah.
Most of the time I feel lonely because I don't have a geng sekepala in UniSZA, unlike with my girls: Piah, Piqah, Ainul, Alya and Kakti. There'd be times that I'd miss them really badly but suddenly it's semester break or mid sem break already and I can finally see them! As the saying goes, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," it certainly is with them. It totes gonna be a bit dull if I get to see them every single day in my life, but when we're apart we're actually getting closer because of the distance (wow)
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| ❤❤❤ |
So guys, remember to be grateful in everything we achieve, we have today. It may not be the outcome that we dreamed of, but we should be thankful anyway because we've arrived this far in our life.
Also, everything that we have right now is actually of our own choices; be it small or big. We won't be here today if we didn't make a certain decision back then. Decisions, actions -- everything leads to NOW.
And I'll never stop emphasising this enough: ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL and BE PROUD OF OURSELVES. We've made it this far and let's strive to make it better (and stop dwelling on the past).
p/s: how's the new look, guys? hehe
Singgah Disini... nice blog.. :)
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